NINE HUNDRED POUNDS by Charles Bukowski

NINE HUNDRED POUNDS

Adapted by Glenn Carlson from Charles Bukowski’s 900 Lbs.
With permission from the publisher. No performance rights granted

Cast:

Eric — A (drunk) comedian

Louie — A (drunk) writer

Gloria – A (drunk) teacher

Fat Guy — A very (wet) fat guy

Fat Guy’s Son (non-speaking) — Another (wet) fat guy

Motel Manager — A live-in manager

Setting:

An average motel, second floor room, with two double beds,
a bathroom and a balcony overlooking a pool

LOUIE: (Awakening) Ah, shit. Oh my God.
Moves to bathroom; wretching sounds

ERIC: (Awakening, hearing Louie) Shut the fucking door … I’m gonna puke, I swear … ahhh a bag … gimme a bag!. (Paper bag rustling; wretching sounds)

GLORIA: (Awake from the puking) Oh, great, the Vomit Twins. You guys are really something else.

ERIC: Him and his fucking laser printer.

LOUIE: (Returning from bathroom) Hey, you guys bad mouthing me?

GLORIA: No way, Louie. It was just a hard night for me.

LOUIE: It was a hard night for all of us, Gloria.

ERIC: I think I’ll try the warm beer cure again. (Beer top twists off)

GLORIA: Oh, God. None for me. (Pause) I’m gonna …(moves to bathroom)

ERIC: Yeah.

GLORIA: You need to …

ERIC: Nah, I’m alright now. (bathroom door closes)

LOUIE: That was something, man, the way you subdued her.

ERIC: What do you mean?

LOUIE: I mean when she came at you over the top of the coffee table, you did it all in slow motion. You weren’t excited at all. You just moved to the side of the table, got her by one of her arms, and then the other, and rolled her over. Then you got on top of her and said “What the hell’s the matter with you?”

Long pause.

ERIC: This beer’s working. You outta try it.

LOUIE: (Opening beer bottle) It was her house. She said it was her house and for all of us to get out of there.

ERIC: Diverging viewpoints and ideals. They always cause trouble. And there’s always diverging viewpoints and ideals. Always. Besides, it was her house.

GLORIA: (Returning from bathroom) Eric, I think I’ll try one of those beers after all.

ERIC: Here.

Long pause while beer is sipped.

LOUIE: Anybody for television?

GLORIA: Don’t you dare.

Large explosion-type sound

ERIC: Jesus!

GLORIA: What was that?

LOUIE: (Walks to balcony door and opens it) You’re not going to believe this but there’s a five hundred pound guy down there in the swimming pool. That explosion was him hitting the water. Man, I never seen a guy so big. He’s enormous. Oh man, there’s someone else … gotta be with him; yeah, must be his son. Looks like he weighs four hundred pounds. Look out, he’s gonna jump in … hold on! (Second cannonball water explosion sound). Now they’re swimming side by side. What a freakin’ site.

Eric and Gloria walk to balcony

ERIC: This is a dangerous situation.

GLORIA: What do you mean?

ERIC: I mean looking down on all that fat we’re apt to holler something stupid at them. Very childish, I know, but hung over like this, anything can happen.

LOUIE: Yeah, and I can see them running up here and pounding on the door. Man, how are we gonna handle nine hundred pounds?

ERIC: No way, no chance, even in good health.

LOUIE: And in bad health, no chance at all.

ERIC: No chance at all.

LOUIE: HEY FAT BOY!

ERIC: Ah, fuck, man what are you doing?

LOUIE: Hey fat ass! I bet if you farted you’d blow all the seaweed to Catalina.

ERIC: No, no, no …I’m sick, don’t start this, man.

GLORIA: There’s no seaweed down there, Louie.

LOUIE: Yeah. HEY, there’s no seaweed down there fat boy. You musta sucked it up your ass.

GLORIA: They’re getting out of the pool, Louie.

LOUIE: Maybe they didn’t hear me.

ERIC: (To himself) Oh, God … I’m a comedian because I’m a coward; now I’m gonna face a sudden, violent death.

GLORIA: Didn’t hear you? Are you nuts? You were screaming at them.

LOUIE: I don’t think they heard me.

GLORIA: I don’t see them down there, Louie. I’m going to double lock the door. (Goes to chain the door) God, you’re stupid.

LOUIE: (To Eric) They didn’t hear me.

ERIC: You and your fucking laser printer.

Sounds of large feet stomping down hallway; room shakes

GLORIA: I’m scared.

LOUIE: We’re all scared.

BAM BAM BAM pounding on the door

LOUIE: Yeah? What is it?

FAT GUY: (Muffled) Open the fucking door!

ERIC: There’s nobody in here!

FAT GUY: Oh, yeah, you’re a regular god-damn comedian.

ERIC: Well, as a matter of fact, I am a comedian!

GLORIA: What did you say that for?

LOUIE: He is a comedian.

ERIC: Ah, fuck. I was just trying to agree with him.

FAT GUY: Open the door’n we’ll see who’s laughing! Open up or I’m coming through!

LOUIE: Might as well make you work for it. Come on, let’s see what you can do.

Sound of door being slammed into.

GLORIA: I don’t believe this.

ERIC: You and your fucking laser printer.

GLORIA: Shut up, Eric.

LOUIE: It’s a good printer.

GLORIA: I’m going to call the police.

LOUIE: Too late. This cheap shit door ain’t gonna hold.

ERIC: Help me brace the goddamn door.

MANAGER: (More muffled than fat guy) What the hell’s going on there?

FAT GUY: I’m gonna teach these smart mouth punks a lesson, that’s what’s going on here.

MANAGER: You break down that door and you’ll be dealing with the cops.

One more slam against the door and then silence

FAT GUY: We hear one more word outta you punks and we’re coming in, cops or no damn cops.

Long silence. Sound of footsteps leaving down hallway

ERIC: I think we could’ve taken them. Fat guys can’t move. They’re slow, makes them easy to take down.

LOUIE: And you’re quick. I saw your move around the coffee table last night. (Pause) Yeah, we could’ve taken them, if we really had to.

GLORIA: We’re out of beer. I need a cold beer. My nerves are shot.

ERIC: Okay, Louie, you go get the beer and I’ll pay.

LOUIE: Yeah right, man. I’ll pay and you get the beer.

GLORIA: Give me the money. I’ll go.

ERIC: (Hands Gloria the money) Thanks, Glo.

Gloria exits

ERIC: You and your fucking laser printer.

LOUIE: Come on, man. It’s as good a printer as most.

ERIC: I suppose you’re right.

LOUIE: I can’t believe they heard me.

— End —

One Act Audio Theatre