PPP - Shaw 1.
PASSION POISON AND PETRIFICATION
by G.B. SHAW
Cast
Lady Magnesia Fitztollemache
Lord George Fitztollemache
Adolphus Bastable
Phyllis the Maid
Policeman
Landlord
Doctor
1 INT. LONDON BEDSITTING ROOM -- NIGHT 1
FX
MUSIC INTRO UP & OUT
FX
CUCKOO CLOCK STRIKES SIXTEEN
LADY
How much did the clock strike,
Phyllis?
PHYLLIS
Sixteen, my lady.
LADY
That means eleven o'clock, does it
not?
PHYLLIS
Eleven at night, my lady. In the
morning it means half past two; so if
you hear it strike sixteen during your
slumbers, do not rise.
LADY
I will not, Phyllis. Phyllis, I am
weary. I will go to bed. Prepare the
couch.
PHYLLIS
Yes, my lady.
FX
BUTTON IS PRESSED AND BOOKCASE DROPS
AND CRASHES, REVEALING A BED. AT THE
MOMENT OF THE CRASH A PEEL OF DISTANT
THUNDER JOINS.
PHYLLIS
(quiet worried) It is a terrible night
and my master is late. I trust
nothing has happened to him.
FX
THUNDER
(CONTINUED)
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PPP - Shaw 2.
1 CONTINUED: 1
PHYLLIS
Your bed is ready, my lady.
LADY
Thank you Phyllis. Goodnight.
PHYLLIS
Oh, my beloved mistress, I know not
why or how, but I feel that I shall
never see you alive again! (whispers)
There is murder in the air.
FX
THUNDER w/ ANGEL CHOIR LOW BENEATH
PHYLLIS
Hark!
LADY
Strange. I thought I heard the herald
of angels calling to me, Magnesia
Fitztollemache.
PHYLLIS
Lady Magnesia Fitztollemache.
LADY
Yes. Well, in case we should never
meet again in this world, let us take
a last farewell.
PHYLLIS
(much sadness) My poor murdered angel
mistress!
LADY
In case we should meet again, call me
at half past eleven.
PHYLLIS
I will, I will. (exits crying)
FX
DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
FX
SFX LADY MAGNESIA CLIMBS INTO BED.
LIGHT SWITCH OFF.
FX
ANGELIC CHOIR UP AND OUT w/ THUNDER
2 INT. LONDON BEDSITTING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS 2
FX
DOOR CREAKS OPEN
FX
HEARTBEAT LOW
FITZ
I can no longer cower here listening
to the agonizing thumpings of my own
heart. The bloody deed must be done
and the time is nie.
FX
FOOTSTEPS SLOW ACROSS ROOM w/
HEARTBEAT GROWING LOUDER
FITZ
There she is, asleep in her bed. I'll
do't! Now!
FX
THUNDER
(CONTINUED)
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PPP - Shaw 3.
2 CONTINUED: 2
FX
ANGEL CHOIR UP
FITZ
Wha-!? What is this? Has the beating
of my heart warned Heaven of my plans?
FX
LIGHT SWITCH ON CHOIR & HEARTBEAT OUT
LADY
My husband! What, what on earth are
you doing with that dagger in your
hand?
FITZ
Ah. It is a present for you. A
present from my mother. Pretty, isn't
it?
LADY
But she promised me a fish knife.
FITZ
This is a combination fish knife and
dagger. One day you have salmon for
dinner. The next you have a murder to
commit. See?
LADY
My sweet mother-in-law.
FX
KNOCK AT DOOR
LADY
That is Adolphus' knock. Oh! What has
happened to your complexion, George?
FITZ
Nothing.
LADY
Why, you have turned green. Now I
think of it, you always do when
Adolphus is mentioned.
FITZ
Bah!
FX
KNOCK, MORE INSISTENT
LADY
Aren't you going to let him in?
FITZ
Certainly not. Adolphus: You cannot
enter. My wife is undressed and in
bed.
FX
BED SHEETS BACK
LADY
I am not.
ADOLPHUS
(without) Something most important has
happened. I must come in for a
moment.
FITZ
Something important happened? What is
it?
(CONTINUED)
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PPP - Shaw 4.
2 CONTINUED: (2) 2
ADOLPHUS
(without) My new clothes have come
home!
FITZ
He says his new clothes have come
home.
FX
FOOTSTEPS HURRY TO DOOR. DOOR
OPEN/CLOSE
LADY
Oh, come in ... come in. Let me see!
ADOLPHUS
Are they not most striking?
LADY
The trousers are so ... yellow! And
the coat so ... crimson.
ADOLPHUS
(proudly) I shall never be mistaken
for a waiter again. Here, look at the
waistcoat.
LADY
Such sparkling silver stars.
ADOLPHUS
So, what do you think?
FITZ
(low derision)
LADY
It is a dream! A creation!
FITZ
A drink, Adolphus?
ADOLPHUS
Thanks.
FX
GLASSWARE
LADY
You do look splendid, Adolphus.
ADOLPHUS
And I am so happy.
FITZ
Is the seltzer maker full?
LADY
Yes. You put in the carbonate powders
yourself today.
FITZ
So I did. The special powders. Ha!
ha! ha! ha! ha!
LADY
Why do you laugh in that silly way at
nothing?
FITZ
Nothing! Ha ha! Nothing! Ha, ha,
ha!
ADOLPHUS
I hope, Mr. Fitztollemache, you are
not laughing at my clothes.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
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PPP - Shaw 5.
2 CONTINUED: (3) 2
ADOLPHUS
I warn you that I am an Englishman.
You may laugh at my manners, at my
brains, at my national institutions;
but if you laugh at my clothes, one of
us must die.
FX
THUNDER
FITZ
I laughed but at the irony of Fate.
ADOLPHUS
Oh, that! Oh, yes, of course!
FITZ
Let us drown all unkindness in a
loving cup.
FX
GLASSWARE
LADY
Allow me.
FX
DRINKS POURED
FITZ
Stay! No soda for me. Let Adolphus
have it all -- all. I will take mine
neat.
LADY
As you wish.
FX
SODA WATER SQUIRT
LADY
Pledge me, Adolphus.
FITZ
Kiss the cup, Magnesia. Pledge her,
man. Drink deep.
ADOLPHUS
To Magnesia!
FITZ
To Magnesia!
FX
DRINKS SLAMMED
FITZ
It is done! Adolphus, you have but
ten minutes to live -- if so long.
ADOLPHUS
What mean you?
LADY
My mind misgives me. I have a strange
feeling here, in my heart.
ADOLPHUS
So have I, but lower down. That
seltzer is disagreeing with me.
FITZ
It was poisoned!
FX
MUSIC STING
ADOLPHUS
P-p-poisoned? Help! Police!
(CONTINUED)
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PPP - Shaw 6.
2 CONTINUED: (4) 2
FITZ
Dastard! You would appeal to the law!
Can you not die like a gentleman?
ADOLPHUS
But so young! When I have only worn
my new clothes once.
LADY
It is too horrible. (to Fitz) Fiend!
What drove you to this wicked deed?
FITZ
Jealousy. You admired his clothes,
you did not admire mine.
ADOLPHUS
My clothes! Have I indeed been found
worthy to be the first clothes martyr?
FX
ANGELIC CHOIR
ADOLPHUS
Hark! Angels call me. Welcome,
death! Yeeeoww. Oooooo (fades as in
last breath)
FX
CHOIR OUT
3 INT. LONDON BEDSITTING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS 3
ADOLPHUS
The seltzer is disagreeing extremely.
Oh! Oh!
LADY
Monster! What have you done? That
was once a Man, beautiful and
glorious. What have you made of it?
A writhing, agonized, miserable,
moribund worm.
ADOLPHUS
Oh! Magnesia, really.
LADY
Oh, is this a time for petty vanity?
Think of your misspent life.
ADOLPHUS
Whose misspent life?
LADY
Look into your conscience. Look into
your stomach. (to Fitz) And this,
husband, is your handiwork!
FITZ
Mine is a passionate nature, Magnesia.
I must have your undivided love. I
must have it, do hear? Love! Love!!
LOVE!!! LOVE!!!!
LADY
You shall have it.
FITZ
Magnesia! I have recovered your love!
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
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PPP - Shaw 7.
3 CONTINUED: 3
FITZ
Oh, how slight appears the sacrifice
of this man compared to so glorious a
reward! I would poison ten men
without a thought of self to gain one
smile from you.
ADOLPHUS
Farewell, Magnesia, my last hour is at
hand. Farewell, farewell, farewell!!
LADY
At this supreme moment, George
Fitztollemache, I solemnly dedicate to
you all that I formerly dedicated to
poor Adolphus.
ADOLPHUS
Oh, please not poor Adolphus yet. I
still live, you know.
LADY
The vital spark but flashes before it
vanishes.
ADOLPHUS
Oooooooooooo.
LADY
And now, Adolphus, take this last
comfort from the unhappy Magnesia
Fitztollemache. As I have dedicated
to George all that I gave you, so I
will bury in your grave -- or in your
urn if you are cremated -- all that I
gave to him.
FITZ
I hardly follow this.
LADY
I will explain. George, hitherto I
have given Adolphus all the romance of
my nature ... all my love, all my
dreams, all my caresses. Henceforth
they are yours!
FITZ
Angel!
LADY
Adolphus, forgive me if this pains
you.
ADOLPHUS
Don't mention it. I hardly feel it.
The seltzer is so much worse. Ooooo.
LADY
Peace, poor sufferer, there is still
some balm. You are about to hear what
I am going to dedicate to you.
ADOLPHUS
All I ask is a peppermint lozenge for
mercy's sake.
(CONTINUED)
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PPP - Shaw 8.
3 CONTINUED: (2) 3
LADY
I have something far better than any
lozenge: the devotion of a lifetime.
Formerly it was George's. I kept his
house, or rather his lodgings. I
mended his clothes. I darned his
socks. I bought his food. I
interviewed his creditors. I stood
between him and the servants. I
administered the domestic finances.
When his hair needed cutting or his
countenance was imperfectely washed, I
pointed it out to him. The trouble
all this gave me made him prosaic in
my eyes. Familiarity bred contempt.
Now all that shall end. My husband
shall be my hero, my lover, my
imperfect knight. He shall shield me
from all care and trouble. He shall
ask nothing in return but love,
boundless, priceless, rapturous, soul-
enthralling love, Love! LOVE!! LOVE!!!
FITZ
I am the happiest man on Earth.
LADY
But be sure my one remaining duty will
be discharged: Like a good and devoted
wife, I will spend the empty hours
weeping at Adolphus' tomb.
FITZ
My ownest, this sacrifice makes me
feel that I have perhaps been a little
selfish. I cannot help feeling that
there is much to be said for the old
arrangement. Why should Adolphus die
for my sake?
ADOLPHUS
I am not dying for your sake, Fitz. I
am dying because you poisoned me.
LADY
You do not fear to die, Adolphus, do
you?
ADOLPHUS
N-n-no, I don't exactly fear to die.
Still --
FITZ
Still, if an antidote --
ADOLPHUS
(bounding) Antidote!
LADY
(wild hope) Antidote!
FITZ
If an antidote would not be too much
of an anti-climax.
(CONTINUED)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PPP - Shaw 9.
3 CONTINUED: (3) 3
ADOLPHUS
Anti-climax be blowed. Do you think I
am going to die to please the critics?
Out with your antidote, quick!
FITZ
The best antidote to the poison I have
given you is lime ... plenty of lime.
ADOLPHUS
Lime!? You mock me! Do you think I
carry lime about in my pockets?
FITZ
There is the plaster ceiling.
LADY
Yes, the ceiling! Saved! Saved!
ADOLPHUS
Ceiling?
LADY
There is lime in the plaster. Here,
use my boots.
FX
BOOTS STRIKING CEILING, PLASTER PIECES
FALLING
LADY
Take this piece of ceiling, Adolphus,
it is the largest.
FITZ
Ha! A lump off the moulding. Try
this!
ADOLPHUS
(desparately) Stop! Stop!
LADY
Do not stop. You will die.
ADOLPHUS
I prefer death.
LADY
Adolphus, persevere!
ADOLPHUS
No! Unless you can supply lime in
liquid form, I must perish. Finish
that ceiling I cannot and will not.
LADY
I have a thought -- an inspiration.
My bust.
ADOLPHUS
Can I resist it?
FITZ
She refers to her statue, man. There
by the door.
ADOLPHUS
Yes, of course.
FX
FOOTSTEPS
LADY
Here, try the hair bun.
(CONTINUED)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PPP - Shaw 10.
3 CONTINUED: (4) 3
ADOLPHUS
(chewing, gagging) Yah, I cannot. I
cannot. Not even your bust, Magnesia.
Do not ask me. Let me die.
FITZ
Force yourself to take a mouthful.
Down with it, Adolphus!
ADOLPHUS
Useless. It would not stay down.
Water! Some fluid. Ring for some
liquid (choking).
LADY
I will save you.
FX
BELL RINGS
4 INT. LONDON BEDSITTING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS 4
FX
DOOR OPENS
PHYLLIS
My beloved mistress! You live!
LADY
Yes, Phyllis, but Mr. Bastable is
dying.
PHYLLIS
Indeed? I hope he will not think it
unfeeling for me to appear at his
deathbed in curlers.
LADY
We know you have a good heart,
Phyllis. Take my bust and dissolve it
in a jug of hot water then bring it
back instantly. Mr. Bastable's life
depends on your haste!
PHYLLIS
(hesitating) It do seem a pity, don't
it, my lady, to spoil your lovely
bust?
ADOLPHUS
Tush! This craze for fine art is
beyond all bounds. Off with you.
(moans) Drink ... drink ... drink. My
entrails are parched. Ahhhh-oh! A
drink! (grabs seltzer dispenser)
FITZ
Not the seltzer! Madman, you forget,
it is poisoned!
ADOLPHUS
I don't care. I must drink.
FX
A&F STRUGGLE TO THE SOUNDS OF THE
SELTZER DISPENSER EMPTYING.
ADOLPHUS
(despair) Empty! Empty!
(CONTINUED)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PPP - Shaw 11.
4 CONTINUED: 4
FITZ
Magnesia, I have always pretended not
to notice it, but you also keep a
siphon of seltzer for your private use
in my hatbox.
LADY
I use it for washing old lace.
FITZ
Of course.
LADY
Well, he shall have it.
FX
FOOTSTEPS/DRAWER OPENS
ADOLPHUS
Ooooooooo with haste, please.
FX
DRINK SHOT INTO GLASS
ADOLPHUS
Thanks, thanks, oh, thanks!
FX
GREEDY SLURPING OF THE DRINK FOLLOWED
BY GREAT FIZZING IS HEARD
ADOLPHUS
Help! Help! The ceiling is
effervescing! I am bursting!
FITZ
Quick, the rug strap! We shall clamp
it down on him before he explodes!
FX
RUSTLING
FITZ
Is that tight enough?
LADY
(anxiously) Will you hold, do you
think?
ADOLPHUS
Ahhhhhhhhhhhooooooooooo
FX
LOUD BELCH
ADOLPHUS
The peril is past.
LADY
Thank heavens!
FX
FOOTSTEPS
PHYLLIS
Here, my lady, your bust is dissolved.
LADY
At last!
FITZ
You are saved. Drain it to the dregs.
FX
ADOLPHUS GLUGS ALL DOWN NOISILY.
FITZ
Well?
LADY
Well?
(CONTINUED)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PPP - Shaw 12.
4 CONTINUED: (2) 4
ADOLPHUS
How inexpressibly soothing to the
chest! A delicious numbness steals
through all my members. I would
sleep.
ALL
Let him sleep.
FX
ANGELIC CHOIR
5 INT. LONDON BEDSITTING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS 5
FX
CHOIR OUT ABRUPTLY WITH DOOR CRASH
LANDLORD
Eah! Eah! Wot's this? Wot's all this
noise? Ah kin ennybody sleep trew it?
(notices ceiling) Ellow! Wot you bin
doin te maw ceilin?
FITZ
Silence or leave the room. If you
wake that man, he dies.
LANDLORD
If 'e kin sleep trew the noise you
three mikes 'e kin sleep trew
ennythink.
LADY
Detestable vulgarian, your
pronunciation jars on the finer chords
of my nature. Begone!
LANDLORD
(looking at Adolphus) Aw downt blieve
eze esleep. Aw blieve eze dead.
(calling) Pleece! Pleece! Merder!
Merder! Pleece!
FX
THUNDER & DOOR CRASH
POLICEMAN
Who shouts of murder!
LANDLORD
Eah, pleecmin! These three's been an
merdered this gent between em, an naw
tore oy ashe dahn.
FITZ
Officer.
POLICEMAN
Sir?
FITZ
As between gentleman.
POLICEMAN
Sir.
FITZ
I may inform you that my friend had an
acute attack of indigestion. No
carbonate of soda being available, he
swallowed a portion of this vulgar
man's ceiling. Behold the result!
(CONTINUED)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PPP - Shaw 13.
5 CONTINUED: 5
POLICEMAN
The ceiling was poisoned! Well, of
all the artful -- I arrest you for
wilful murder!
LANDLORD
Wha-?! (appealing to the heavens) Ow,
is this jestice?! Eea! Now ah could
aw tell 'e wiz gowin' te eat moy
ceilin'?
POLICEMAN
True. The case is more complicated
than I thought. I shall examine the
body. Hmmm. Stiff already.
LANDLORD
An' precious 'evvy! Woy, eze gorn 'ez
awd ez niles.
FITZ
What!?
LADY
Oh, say not he is dead. Phyllis,
fetch a doctor.
PHYLLIS
Yes, my lady.
FX
FOOTSTEPS DOOR OPEN/CLOSE
LADY
Come, come rouse him! Shake him!
FX
GREAT EFFORT w/ CLUNKING
POLICEMAN
(exhausted) Whew! Is he a man or a
statue?
LADY
(screams)
POLICEMAN
What's wrong, ma'am?
LADY
(to Fitz) Do you not see what has
happened?
FITZ
(strikes forehead) Horror on horror's
head!
LANDLORD
Wotjemean?
LADY
The plaster has set inside him. The
officer is right, he is a living
statue. (quiet crying)
LANDLORD
Nawt so much livin'.
POLICEMAN
Such a case is not provided for in my
book of instructions. It don't seem
no use trying artificial respiration,
do it? Here, landlord, lend a hand.
We'd best take him and set him up in
Tafalgar Square.
(CONTINUED)
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PPP - Shaw 14.
5 CONTINUED: (2) 5
LANDLORD
Aushd pat 'im in the cestern an worsh
it aht of 'im.
6 INT. LONDON BEDSITTING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS 6
FX
DOOR OPENS / FOOTSTEPS
PHYLLIS
The medical man, my lady.
POLICEMAN
A case of poison, sir.
DOCTOR
Do you mean to say that an unqualified
person! A layman! has dared to
administer poison in my district?
POLICEMAN
It looks like it. Hold up, my lady.
DOCTOR
Not a moment must be lost. The
patient must be kept awake at all
costs. Constant and violent motion is
necessary.
LADY
Wha- wha?
FITZ
Stop! That is not the poisoned
person!
DOCTOR
It is you then? Why did you not say
so before?
LANDLORD
Naow, naow, that ynt 'im.
DOCTOR
What, you?!
LANDLORD
Eah! Chack it!
FX
DOCTOR & LANDLORD WRESTLE
LANDLORD
Ye ah leoonatic!
POLICEMAN
Come out of it, both of you! Now, you
will all come with me to the station.
FX
THUNDER & HARD RAIN
LADY
What?! In this frightful storm?!
PHYLLIS
I think it's raining.
LANDLORD
It's thanderin' and lawtnin'!
FITZ
It's dangerous.
POLICEMAN
Well, if you won't come quietly, then --
FX
QUICK FOOTSTEPS DOOR FLUNG OPEN
(CONTINUED)
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PPP - Shaw 15.
6 CONTINUED: 6
FX
POLICE WHISTLE FOLLOWED IMMEDIATLEY BY
LARGE EXPLOSION AND SHOCKED SCREAMS.
LADY
I believe the doctor is dead.
FITZ
The landlord is dead.
PHYLLIS
The policeman's dead, too.
FITZ
The copper's helmet attracted the
lightning.
LADY
After life's fitful fever they sleep
well. Phyllis, sweep them up.
PHYLLIS
Oooo. Will they be in your way if I
leave them there until morning, my
lady?
LADY
I suppose they will not disturb us.
Goodnight, Phyllis.
PHYLLIS
Goodnight, my lady. Goodnight, sir.
FX
FOOTSTEPS/DOOR
LADY
And now husband, let us perform our
last sad duty to our friend. He has
become his own monument. Let us erect
him. He is heavy, but love can do
much.
FITZ
A little leverage will get him on his
feet.
LADY
True.
FITZ
Give me my umbrella.
FX
SOUND OF STRUGGLE AND ADOLPHUS IS
RAISED.
FITZ
That's done it! Whew!
LADY
For ever and for ever, Adolphus.
FITZ
The rest is silence.
FX
ANGEL CHOIR UP
FX
MUSIC UP & OUT
END